Permission

I had an epiphany as 2025 was ending. I always knew I was smart, intelligent, and a capable human being. But I realized that for most of my life, I was led by my mind. My mind has always been loud and scattered, but also organized and methodical in its own weird way. But the epiphany was the fact that it more often than not has proved its importance not elegantly but rather forcefully. And the other two in the mind, body, and soul equation have been waiting for their chance to be seen and heard for the past 30 years. They had so much to say, but I just wasn’t listening.

2026 started with the intention to learn to listen to the body and soul, along with the mind. It’s the end of May, and I am feeling overwhelmed and grateful for where I am.

I haven't figured it out, I haven’t deciphered their language fully, but I am listening…

For the past week, I have been stumbling into inquiry about the desire to witness, be witnessed, and what it really means to me. Why document and document what?  

And through this inquiry, I can feel the expressive parts of me slowly coming up to the surface as I allow them to breathe. I am redefining what it means to express. How my emotions towards being seen are evolving, and it somehow makes me take a long exhale!

And as this simmers through me, I am cleaning up my social presence, not because I am ashamed of who I was, not with the intention to erase those parts of me, but because I am emerging slightly re-organized. I am emerging with permission walking at a close distance. We haven’t fully ironed out the relationship, but we are giving it a try - contract basis.

Elizabeth Gilbert, in her book Big Magic, writes a letter to fear. But, today I am signing a contract with ‘permission’ that it stays close enough for me to feel its presence.

I am emerging more brave and slightly more willing to give it a chance.

And as I was cleaning up my website, I stumbled upon an article I had written back in December 2023 about life. About a journey which at that point felt hopeless and hopeful, but with a long roadmap ahead. After I had posted the article, an old friend reached out to me, sending her condolences, and suddenly I felt too seen. My vulnerabilities, my failures, the rock bottom I was in, became all too public in my head. I mean, in the large scheme of things, nobody was really reading my sporadic content, but somehow she came across it and read it.

My instant reaction was to recruit fear, insecurity, and self-doubt, and I took down the post. I hid.

I hid peacefully in ignorance until the end of 2025, when something was itching, and I really had to get to the bottom of it, and that led me to learn to listen more deeply, and that led me to finally give ‘permission’ a fair chance.

And that led me to read that article today, and honestly, it feels quite symbolic. As I muster up the courage and give myself ‘permission’ to be seen, I republished the article in its original state as the first step of expressing.

This feels like alignment, and I am definitely feeling pretty good about where the journey has led me. :)

‍